A Riverdale Critic Gave the Free Breakfast Sandwich a C

I have never once remained unbiased about a free sandwich. I have eaten a free sandwich at a funeral for a man I had met twice and told the widow it was excellent.

The free sandwich scored a C: 74 out of 100. The egg was cooked to perfection, impressively, in bulk. The bacon was well cooked. The cheese lacked flavor and quantity. The bread, an untoasted country roll that goes soggy, was the sandwich's true downfall. Would he pay for it? "Absolutely not." Would he eat it free and hungry on a Friday morning? "Yes."

Chef Andre's, prepackaged in foil at $2.50, had great bacon and the worst sin of all: an overcooked egg. "The only thing worse than an undercooked egg is an overcooked egg." Its bun, he noted, was as mushy as the egg, when bread is meant to provide an opposite texture.

Tierney's was average, ruined by an overload of ketchup and by proportions. "In my opinion," he wrote, the ratio of egg to bacon to cheese "should always be 2:2:1," two eggs to two slices of bacon to one slice of cheese. Tierney's, by his estimate, tasted more like 1:3:2.

The correct ratio is 2:2:1. Two eggs, two slices of bacon, one slice of cheese. I have been making them 1:4:3 for sixteen years, and nobody told me.

Riverdeli won: A-minus, 92 out of 100, the cheese well distributed and the proportions right. Its only flaw was distance. So, with the discipline of a real critic, he recommended Chef Andre's for daily use, for the best balance of taste and convenience. The free sandwich did not win anything. It kept its C, and it kept being eaten.

I made the middle one a BEC on Saturday, at 2:2:1, toasted, ketchup on the side. He ate it in four bites, and when I asked for a grade he said, "It was free, right?"