Ramaz Installed a New Announcement Chime. The Student Satirist Was Ready.

Nobody has reviewed a sound in our house, ever, and we have a microwave that plays four notes when the popcorn is done, the last one flat. I hear it in my sleep. It has never once been asked to account for itself.

The Rampage reviews everything. The same issue ran a round table on summer reading. One senior had been assigned Circe before her sophomore year and reported that her class spent "a grand total of three days" on it before an in-class essay and the next book. A sophomore found Things Fall Apart hard going without more historical context and said it would have worked better read in class. Both wanted the reading to count for something. Neither asked for less homework. This is how you know it was a school newspaper and not a dream.

I proposed a round table on our summer reading. The youngest read a book about a pigeon who wants to drive a bus, the middle one read the back of a cereal box, and I read the instructions for the new dishwasher. All three were assigned by my wife. All three were discussed for a grand total of zero days.

Then, in August 2026, the paper covered a reorganization. Ramaz split its student activities director role into four positions, with separate administrators for student government, clubs, assemblies and student programming. "It felt like it was too much for one person to do all of them well," the associate principal told the paper. The student government president called the idea of splitting one person's job "very worrying," because he preferred fewer people to talk to. A club leader welcomed someone dedicated to explaining Club Hub.

I read this aloud. My wife proposed splitting my role into four positions. All four went to her.

That night the microwave played its four notes, and the middle one, who had been listening to all of this, delivered the review. "Lands," he said. "Flat."